The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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