how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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