oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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