Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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