Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
