I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
