How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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