my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
