EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
