dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
