you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
