WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
