If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
