If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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