Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
