Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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