6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
