i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
