also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
