I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
