dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
