Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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