The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
