Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
