Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
