just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
