if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
