Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
