watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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