Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
