im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
