a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
