Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
