Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
