I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
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