I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
