pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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