She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
