I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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