I wish I only lived at night.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
