he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
