awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
