i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
