I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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