i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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