im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
