Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I want to fling myself into the sun
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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