Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
