Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I had to cum in my sink.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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