hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
