So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
This is classic penis vs brain.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
